Wednesday, February 27, 2013

A Scary Thing Happened on the way to My House

So, Casey and I went to the movies.
I haven't cried at one of his movies in a while.

Then we went to Chilis and the mall (I'm officially stopping shopping to save for the 2013 roadtrip) and home.

So we're driving.... driving... Hunter Hayes is on the cd player and it's NOT SNOWING AT ALL, okay?
So the guy in front of my is going about 20 miles an hour in a 45 and I'm like, "Casey, I am going to pass him." And she's like, "He's really slow. Do it."

Here's what it looked like.

And while it's happening, Casey's like, "LESLIE. SLOW DOWN."
And I reply very calmly while trying to regain control of the car, "I can't."

And... then we stopped the car, got out and attempted pushing.

A lady stopped and helped us after about 15 minutes of chilling in the snow.
Sharon. We love you. 
We called AAA, only 2 more people stopped.
The woman whose house we landed at FINALLY came out after an hour...
The police showed up (A passerbyer called)

My first instinct? Hands up. I'm getting arrested.

They asked me if I had anything to drink.
of course, being as naive as I am, I almost answered,
"Well... I am kind of thirsty. I haven't had anything in a while."
Glad I didn't!

Then we got towed out and went on our way (slowly) home.



Friday, February 22, 2013

Mama Hen, Three Little Chicks, and a Gordon Adventure

So, Bffshwtng, Casey and I headed up to Gordon to see Kirstin.
We finally celebrated Casey's birthday.
(Even though I forgot her gift at home...)

Our first stop was lunch with Seth, Matt, and Rachel.

Then we went to the beach?
yeah. the beach.
I wouldn't recommend it.
It's very cold.

I kind of realized something this day.
I am the MAMA HEN.
I always pack extra snacks: water. cheese snacks. Applesauce (sometimes I forget spoons) 
 I always make arrangements. Planned the day, planning the roadtrip, planning concerts.
I am the one who speaks to strangers (coffee people. I order. I give the host our name. Ask for directions  with no shame)
I am so proud of you for putting the reservation in under MY name. 
Even though Ki looks at everyone and is like, "Who's gonna do it. She can't speak."
 I am always the designated driver of long days, watching my little chicks sleeping in the rearview mirror.
I always do the math: Gas. Tip. Separating equally...

Yes. And I have THREE little chicks.

The adventurous one. Up for anything, dances to her own tune.

The troublemaker.
This face kind of says it all.
"Where's Kirstin?" is something I ask every time I turn my head and she has disappeared. 

When the waiter was calling for tables (we had been waiting for a while now)
and said, "Mike for 4?"
Ki taps him on the shoulder and says, "Did you ask for mike?"
"Well... we're not him. hehehehehe."
So cute.

My right hand chick.
Most likely nominated "Mommy's Girl" and sweetest.

 This is the "model" face

Cartwheel or eating dirt?

Let's just take in how my skin matches Ki's scarf and my jacket.
Irish Complexion problems.

There's this article that I loooove that kind of explains it all.
"Let's begin with complexion. People try to be nice by calling our skin "fair" but we all know what they really mean is "frighteningly pale." Many thousands of years ago, a man named Patrick O'Haloran saw a glass of milk sitting on the table. "Hmmm," thought Patrick, "I sure wouldn't mind breeding with that lil' lass over there." After a few months the glass of pure white milk gave birth to a little baby with pure white skin like the milk and many small brown spots like its father. And so was born the Irish complexion: milky, sickly white with freckles everywhere"
"And don't think that this skin takes well to sun. Ireland is a cloudy, cold little island so, when the Irish were transplanted to America, we invented the first sunburn. But a burn is not really what it is. Sure, it turns red for a few minutes, but it really should be called a sun-peel, because that is exactly what happens. If you ever want to know what it feels like to actually shed an entire layer of skin at once, be Irish for a day in the summer. We're like snakes except nobody wants to make boots out of us"

Let us recall the day that I floated in the lake for a small amount of time.
Blisters. Pain.
And see where it gets REALLY red by the lace?
I STILL have a permanent tan line there (even thought there's no tan...) because of how much I peeled off.

I'm not even 100  % Irish.
But it's like the only part of my lineage that actually arrived on my skin.

Anyway. That was a tangent...

My three best friends

Then we went to dinner at Cheesecake Factory 
Spent a million dollars between there are forever 21

Funny story. 
This isn't staged.
This is me trying to Charade (Get the Waitress)

So... her birthday was January 31, but it we were celebrating. So... Yeah.
ki also told them she was 13. hahaha.

This is what heaven looks like.

 Saw these guys in the mall.
Why not?

I know my face is hilarious. 
"C'mon C'mon"  came on in Delias.
So obviously I jumped on the seating area and started dancing.

This is better (:

I love us SO MUCH.

Then we went back and hung out with Josh for a little and ate mozzarella sticks.
Then left, listening to old schools Boys Like Girls on the way home.

Dropped everyone off.
Rolled into bed around 1 am.

Yup. Good trip.

ChildrenLove & Smiles,

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Chapter 10 {LYTD}


(You're welcome)

Chapter 10

             Anna had a fantastic idea. She decided that it would be a good idea to throw a house warming party. That way, Sam and I could get little odds and ends around the house that we wouldn’t have to pay for so we could afford the bigger stuff. As of right now, we only had the bed and a few fold out chairs to sit on, so we spent a lot of our time either sitting on the kitchen counter or watching tv on my laptop in our room. Either way we were pretty much broke. And even though Sam really didn’t want me to get a job because he wanted to be the provider, I had no choice. We needed money. So I mixed my love for coffee with a new love of earning cash and got a job at the Starbucks down the street. I got free drinks all the time, plus I was surrounded by the smell of heaven. It was a perfect fit for me. Soon we could afford a couch, or hell, a small table. We just needed to have a party. We thought mixing my birthday with it would be the best idea because I wasn’t too fond of celebrating birthdays.

                                    *                                  *                                  *

            “It’s your birthday!” Sam jumped up on the bed, waking me up like he was six.
I moaned and stretched up. “Yeah… hi…”
He stood over me and smiled brightly. “Well get up then!”
“Can’t I sleep in on my birthday?”
“You already have you lazy girl. It’s 11.”
“I have to go to work soon.”
“Not anymore you don’t. I called you out. Tim says he understands and happy birthday.”
“Sam, you can’t just call me out without telling me.”
“Oh I can too. This is going to be the best birthday ever.” I think he was more excited than I was. Typical Sam.
“Isn’t that usually what the birthday girl says?”
“Um, yes. But, you’ve never had me around during your birthday.”
I rolled my eyes at him, thinking he was crazy. “Can’t we just relax today?”
“Ha. Yeah, right. Get up, get up!”
“The Birthday girl is unhappy.”
 “The Birthday girl won’t be if she just gets up and follows her adoring boyfriend into the kitchen area…”
“Fine.” I got up, unsure of what to expect. He was acting jumpy and excited. As soon as I was up, Sam attacked me from behind, placing a blindfold over my face. “What are you doing?” I jumped.
“You’ll see. It’s a surprise.”
A smirk spread across my face. “I love surprises.”
“You’ll love this one.”
“Almost as much as I love you?”
I could feel him shrug. “Probably a little more.”
Whoa. This had to be good.
I let him lead me into the open layout to what I thought could be the kitchen.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
So he let go of me for a second and had some things shift around. That’s when I smelled the beautiful smell. He pressed the button and I could hear the delightful steam, pour, brew of coffee. He undid the blindfold and I jumped up and down. “Oh my god. This is the best birthday gift ever!” I turned to him and squeezed him tight. “I love it, I love it, I love it.” My very own coffee maker.
“More than you love me?”
“Probably a little more.”
He scrunched up his nose and picked me up over his shoulder, carrying me into our room and tossing me on the bed. He plopped down next to me and cuddled in. “So, what do you have planned for me today?” I asked.
“Nothing big. Just… the Best Day Ever.”
“Sounds pretty big to me.”
“Well, no. I just thought we’d go out and go wherever you wanted to go and walk around and eat food and have a good time.”
I stared at him, letting a smile creep on my face and settling on his eyes. I loved that he knew exactly what I wanted to do. I never needed anything fancy. I just liked to have fun and be with good company. He got up and went into the kitchen. I could hear the clink of cups and the slam of cabinets as he brought me a cup of coffee. After I finished the strong cup, we got dressed and headed out into the streets of Boston, doing nothing but window shop and hold hands. I was in heaven.

We got back to the apartment around five and our apartment was filled with people. I was expecting everyone to come to the house warming party at seven… so I was surprised. I looked at Sam and hugged him, then looked around the room. Anna came over to me first, giving me a big squeeze and screaming, “I miss you, I miss you, I miss you!” Even though I did see her, it wasn’t often. We were both getting busy with school, and when I wasn’t at school, I was with The Debate. “I know! I miss you too. How are you doing?”
“No, no. You go say hello to everyone. We have plenty of time.”
“Well okay!”
I made my rounds.
The boys were all there, and when they saw me, they wrapped me in a hug. “Love what you’ve done with the place.” Charlie smirked. Sam came up behind him.
“Shut the fuck up.” He said. “What gifts did you bring us?”
Sean laughed. “It’s in the van.”
“It?” I cocked my head to the side. “We have an it?”
“Oh yeah. You’ll love it.” Derek smiled.
“What is it? What is it?”
“Dude. I’m fucking excited. Babe, we have an ‘it’!” Sam cheered.
“Your couch,” An already drunk Scott mumbled. “It’s your couch.”
The guys just sighed. “Good going, Scott.”
“Thanks, Scott.”
“Fucking alcoholic,” Charlie laughed. He turned to us and patted Sam’s back. “You bought the couch. It is rightfully yours. Besides, we miss you when we sit on it. It’s depressing.”
“Well thanks guys, now we can sit on something.” I cheered.
Someone cleared their throat. We turned around and saw Sam’s sister standing by the wall in between the open living room and the bedroom.
Katie?” Sam saw his sister. “Hey!” he hugged her, “What are you doing here?”
“Mom and dad brought me.” His eyes popped open.
“Mom and dad are here?”
She nodded. “Yeah, they’re talking to Brooke’s parents.”
My parents?!” Sam and I both looked at each other like the world was going to end. Out of all the people in the world, I was not expecting my parents to be at my house warming party. “Sam, I’ll be right back.” I weaved my way through the crowd to find our parents talking about something. My father looked great. He had some color in his face, was laughing at something Thomas said, and didn’t have a beer in his hand. My mother, though, looked uncomfortable talking to Nancy. She looked uncomfortable in general, but this was the first time our parents had ever met. It was a little… unexpected. “…Mom…?” I called.
She snapped her head up, and tried to smile. “Hi, Brooke.” We didn’t hug. We didn’t really do much of anything. I just asked, “What are you doing here?”
“It’s your birthday.”
“Bee!” Dad bellowed, coming over and giving me a bear hug. “How’s my little Bee doing?”
“I’m good dad. We’re doing really well.”
“Good! Happy birthday, sweetheart.”
“How does it feel to be eighteen?”
“Like a year over seventeen.”
Dad laughed. Mom just stood stiffly. “The, um, apartment is nice…” she tried.
Dad twisted his face, looking around. “You know what you need though?”
“He’s right,” Nancy came over and smiled. “The place is lacking a place to rest.”
“We do just fine with the bed, mom.” Sam peered over my shoulder. He couldn’t have said a more awkward thing based on the fact that my mother wasn’t too excited we were together at all, let alone sleeping in the same bed.
“Hey sweetheart,” she kissed her son’s cheek. Thomas shook his hand. “Son,” was all he said. Sam and his father had this understanding between them. It must have been a guy thing. The moment became extremely silent. We all looked for each other to speak up first. But someone clapped their hands together and brought all of our heads up to see Tyler. “Hey, hey. Family reunion. What up, big bro?”
My mom’s lip quivered and she looked at me quickly before practically running away. “Mom,” I called, but I didn’t even bother.
“Was it something I said?” Tyler asked.
“No, no,” I replied.
“Well then HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” he screamed. “We’re putting all the gifts on the table, right?”
“What table?” Sam and I both asked.
My dad beamed. “The table I made you,” he stated proudly. My father… made something?
“You made us a table?”
“And stools. It’s more of a bar type thing. You kids don’t seem like table people.”
We followed him into the kitchen and just stared at it. Beautiful oak. Finished with a shiny coat. Plus, it had tile all around the border of the top. “Dad, how did you do this?”
“Haley did the tiles. I made the wood part.”
“Sir, thank you.” Sam shook his hand. “This will really help us out.”
“It’s the least I can do for you taking care of her, Sam. Plus, it’s her birthday. This called for something big.”
Understatement of the year. My dad didn’t make things. He barely lifted a finger aside from changing the channels or holding the beer in his hand. Sometimes he did these things simultaneously. I was amazed.
“Sir, we appreciate this.”
“Oh please, call me Paul. You’re practically family.”
“Speaking of practically family…” Tara hugged me from behind, letting her small belly hit me first. I turned around right away. “Hey, little sis.” She smiled.
“Tara! Hi!” We had invited almost everyone that was close to us, but actually seeing them here made it even better. I wasn’t expecting half the people to actually show up. I put my hand on her belly. She was only about fivish months pregnant, so she didn’t look too pregnant yet. But she certainly had that glow to her. Daniel was right by her side, turning his attention to Sam and starting to talk more about music. “I’m so glad you guys could come.”
“Well I’m glad you had this party. The place looks very empty. You need things inside of it for it to be a home.” She teased.
“Speaking of home, did you get baby’s room finished yet?”
“Yes. You should swing by to see the nursery. He had better like it.”
I had been waiting for the official news for a while. Girl or boy? Finally I had been answered. “It’s a boy?”
“Yes. We found out yesterday afternoon. I wanted it to be a surprise.”
“Well, good! I’m surprised. Happy birthday to me.”
She squeezed me tightly and whispered into my ear, “I am very proud of you, by the way, for not taking the money.”
“Now go say hi to your sister. She’s in the corner, hiding with Katie.”
“Mom and dad brought Haley?”
“She wanted to see your apartment. She thinks it’s so cool that you already live on your own.”
“She does?”
“You’re a role model or something to her. I don’t know, but please don’t do anything stupid to mess up her image, okay?”
“I will try my hardest.”
I walked over to my sister and Katie. “Hey, ladies.” The both hugged me. “How are you guys doing?”
“School.” They both sighed.
“Same here.”
“Do you like it, though?” Katie asked.
“What, college?”
“Eh,” I shrugged. “Lots of homework, lectures, and papers to write. But I like not having school every single day.”
“Cool! I really like this place.” My sister smiled. “Did you see the table? I helped dad make it.”
“I know, I love it. Seriously, it’s absolutely beautiful.”
She lit up and hugged me. “Thanks.”
“You know, you both should come and visit us sometime. Once we get some more furniture in here and it’s not a school night, you should come spend the night. It’s not too exciting, but I know Sam wouldn’t mind the company.”
They both beamed. “Can we really?”
“Absolutely. Let me just talk to him about it, later, kay?”
After them, I made my rounds, and everyone asked me how I liked living in the city, the apartment and school. It was the same conversation over and over again. It got a little tiring, but it was also exciting. It was a housewarming party for the apartment that I lived in. Me. With Sam. It all just felt very real to me, I suppose. Eighteen and living with my boyfriend. I was the poster child for making mother’s cry. However, given the impossibility, I wasn’t pregnant, so that should have relieved her.

Eventually, the adults all decided to start leaving. My mom had come back inside, but she didn’t look happy, so they left with Haley early. Then everyone else started trickling out until it was just The Debate and Anna left over. We helped the guys move the couch upstairs and we looked around the open floor. Now we had a bar, stools, a couch, several gift cards to Home Depot, TJMaxx, Bed, Bath, and Beyond, a plate/cup/silverware set, and a stainless steel skillet, courtesy of my cooking sister. The place actually looked homey.
We all crammed on the couch and just hung out for the night. Well, until Kendall, Brian, and Steph showed up. They brought a cake and actual wrapped presents for me. Of course, Kendall’s gift was one of her “creations” from Parsons. She winked at me and said, “Save it for a special night.” Which made me think that it was lingerie, but thankfully it wasn’t. It was just a very small dress. Very, very small. She seemed to think that wearing fabric on the bottom half of the body was a taboo, but I didn’t quite have the legs that she had. Not at all.
They sang happy birthday and I blew out my candles and made a wish. I wish that everything would turn out like it’s supposed to be. “Can I auve some mo-ah?” Scott was stumbling around. Kendall was holding him up, laughing. “Sorry, Oliver. I’m cutting you off.”
“Scott, how can you get so fucking drunk all the time?” Sam asked. “Seriously, what the fuck, dude. Sober up.”
“Sam, ow can I sober up? Everyfing is so fucking hilarious. I’m not even tha wasted…”
“Charlie…” I groaned.
“I know, I know.” He looked sternly at Scott. “Mate, you’re bloody ridiculous.”
“We’ve got band practice tomorrow, right?” Derek asked.
“Oh, he’ll be fun. Loud music…” Sean smiled.
“Scott, I’m taking you home.” Kendall patted his back. Brian looked at her funny.
“With my car?”
“Brian, we’re staying here.” Anna said. “We haven’t seen them in forever. We’re sleeping over.”
“Heeeey! Why can’t I sleep over?” Scott mumbled.
She sighed. “Give me the keys Brian. I haven’t drunk anything tonight and I’ll be back in a while.”
Scott gave a sloppy smirk. “A while, yeah?”
She rolled her eyes. “Wish me luck.”

Right after they left, just before midnight, I went outside. I wanted to enjoy my last minute of my birthday away from the party. I was feeling overwhelmed with the noise, which was unusual for me. But the silence felt nice. “Hey, why’d you come out here, babe?” Sam breathed in the cool September air.
“Just breathing is all. They can get pretty crazy.”
“Really? That all? You seemed a little… edgy.”
“I’m just not a real birthday fan.”
“Everyone loves birthdays.”
“It’s not so much the birthday as it is the party.
“Oh.” He paused. “You didn’t like it?”
“No, no, Sam. I promise I did, I just don’t have fond memories of birthday parties.” He looked at me, head cocked to the side, lips pursed, and his eyes curious, listening. I took a breath and sighed, sitting on the steps outside our humble abode. He sat next to me. “Um, so my first memory of birthdays was when I was four. It was my first party and I was so excited. My grandma was taking Haley away for the day and Tara couldn’t wait to help mom pick out the cake. When I woke up, I went downstairs all excited because I was four, but my mom and dad were yelling at each other because my dad had just came home from a drunk night of poker. He lost a lot of money. She kicked him out of the house. Then fast forward to my tenth birthday where his buddies came to our house to collect from what he lost in a poker game. They took his car until he could pay it back and my mom’s was in the garage so I had to walk in the pouring rain to my own party. And after the power went out my thirteenth birthday and we had to cancel my big sleepover, I just gave up on parties. Bad things happen to me.”
“But you made it through this one.”
“Yeah, I suppose I did. The night is young, though.”
He cuddled me into his chest and kissed my forehead. “Oh my god, you are adorable.”
“How is my terrible luck adorable?”
“Your pessimism on this wonderful day astounds me. Haven’t you learned that your luck is changing? I mean, no one’s asked you if you were a hooker lately, right? Plus, you’ve got a coffee maker. A coffee maker. How are you not lucky?”
            I let out a long, easy laugh. “And this is why I love you.”
He looked at his phone’s screen. 12:00. “Look. Nothing bad happened. Happy birthday.”
“Thank you.”

*                                  *                                  *

            September was a month that needed some getting used to. As I juggled work, school, and the apartment, things got really busy. I barely saw Anna anymore and really only saw Brian when the boys were doing The Debate stuff. They were taking a hiatus from shows to record their first album. It was all pretty whirlwind. Very crazy. And Sam was just getting irritated with the fact that we never saw each other. We tried to make time, but it was always between shifts or the studio or right before bed. That was the one time we always had.
“I miss you.” Sam said while we prepared for bed. I was brushing my teeth in the mirror and he was turning down the covers.
“I know,” I looked in the mirror and saw him take off his shirt and throw it on the floor. “I miss you too.”
“You can’t miss me more than I miss you. I feel like we’ve been running around for days. I don’t think I’ve actually seen you for more than five minutes at a time.”
I wiped my mouth and walked over to his side for a hug. A warm comforting hug. “And we’re so tired at night.”
“Work fucking sucks.”
“But it pays the bills.”
“But it takes me away from you.”
We plopped from the hug onto the bed and stayed there. We were both so tired. “At least we get to eat.”
“I’d rather be poor and have more time with you than this shit.” He said. “Honestly, this fucking sucks.”
“What would suck was if we were on the streets. At least we have a place to come home to.”
“And my beautiful girlfriend is always waiting for me.”
We cuddled until we fell asleep and Sam made sure to move his arm so he wouldn’t be in pain. But when we did wake up (At a reasonable time, we got curtains for our room) Sam wasn’t in quite the loving mood. He woke up all pissed off at nothing. He got up and slammed his feet to the ground and didn’t even give me a good morning. The only word I heard from him was, “Fuck,” all morning long. I decided it wasn’t worth it to ask him what was wrong, because it seemed to be that everything was wrong. He bumped his knee when he got out of bed, he hit his head when he opened the fridge and reached into it, and he tripped on his pj pants. When he stumbled with the coffee pot and spilled half the deliciousness on the counter, he gave in and threw his mug against the wall. It shattered. “Fuck!” he screamed.
I couldn’t just stand by and watch the walking disaster anymore. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Me? What the hell is wrong with me? Everything, apparently. I can’t do shit today. What the hell is wrong with everything else?”
“Sam, maybe you should take the day off.”
“What? So I can sit here and watch the tv we don’t fucking have?”
I almost told him he needed to calm down, but I stopped myself. Right now was not a time to mess with him. “Honestly, Brooke. What the fuck is there to do? We’ve got shit nothing here.”
“Hey. Hey! You’ve got me. You just said it last night.”
He didn’t look any better. I thought I’d try a new approach. The let’s-not-piss-him-off-by-saying-the-wrong-thing-and-he-just-needs-some-down-time approach. “Why don’t we both stay home?”
His eyes instantly changed from anger to little-boy-excitement. “You’d do that?” It’s not like I had anything better to do. It was Saturday. I was supposed to work an 8 hour shift but I knew someone that could gladly take my place for extra hours.
“I can call out sick. Of course I’d do that. It’s you.”
“Well… that might make things a little better. Fuck, today’s just not my day.”
I went up to him and kissed him once sweetly, holding his cheeks. “It’s only the morning. We’ve got all day to turn it around.”
He let out a sigh of relief. “You’re the best.”
“Now go take a shower. I’ll clean up.”
He sang again, “The best.”

When he took a shower, I examined the cup on the wooden floors and cleaned it up carefully. A million little ceramic pieces broken by a quick temper. I kind of felt bad for the cup. And the spilled coffee he left on the counter.  People said not to cry over spilled milk? What about spilled coffee? I almost shed a tear for the poor liquid never to be consumed. Then I made a brand new pot and lay back on the bed. Sam came out with the towel wrapped around his waist and another towel was drying his hair. He took a deep breath and actually smiled at me. “Hello.” He said.
“I thought we could start the day over.” I patted the spot next to me. He got changed into sweats and slipped back under the covers.
“Brains and Beauty, I’ll keep saying it.”
“Won’t make it true.”


Tuesday, February 19, 2013

A Day in the Life of an actual Vacation Day

Today... I didn't have to work, go to school, go outside, be sick, not anything,
It was amazing.
Seriously amazing.
I got so much accomplished while taking it easy as can be.
So, I took some pictures.


Made myself some breakfast.

 Watched Live! with Kelly and Michael.
Read a book.

Oh mygosh. This book was amazing.
One of the better books I've read in a while.
I couldn't put it down.
And I cried so often and my mind was so blown.
AAAh. Read it.

Had a snack

 Read a little
Wrote in the notebook that Kirstin and I send back and forth while we're separated from each other during college.
We're like the sisterhood of the traveling notebook.

Made lunch.
Black pepper chicken salad.

Treated myself to a facial

Watched Jane Eyre with mumma.

had a snack

 Made dinner.
From my head.

1. Saute onions, garlic, scallions in olive oil (add S&P)
2. Add a container of chicken stock and some tomato sauce.
3. Add onion powder, salt, pepper, chili powder.
4. Make meatballs: ground pork.onions. garlic. parmesan cheese, S&P. 
5. Add bowtie pasta.
6. Make chive and cheddar filled biscuits with pillsbury breadstick things.
7. roll the extra dough out (depending on how many people you have) and take off chunks to add as "dumplings" 
8. eat.

Studied for history.

Now I'm chilling watching my Fox funny lineup (Raising Hope. New Girl. The Mindy project) Then Smash (GO AWAY JENNIFER HUDSON)

then I'll start a new book and go to sleep.


AwesomeRelaxation & Smiles,

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Things I wish I could say to Customers. But Can't

First of all. I'm still sick with laryngitis, but otherwise I feel like this:

Next. I have to deal with customers all day long.
This is how I feel about them.

So here are some tidbits of what I wish I could say sometimes, but would NEVER EVER actually say. 
It would be so rude (or weird)
I have a very sarcastic mind so half of my thoughts are rude.
I'm not proud that I think these things, but...
They're true.
If you ever worked in retail... at a grocery store, please tell me I'm not crazy.

"Please take a shower."
"I'm sorry, did the way I asked how you were doing piss you off?"
"If you have such complex demands about how you want your groceries bagged, do it yourself."
"I'm not your personal slave."
"Smoking kills."
"You were cute until you ordered cigarettes."
"When your money gets sucked under because you put it on the belt, don't complain to me."
"Shut up, shut up, shut up."
"Really? Alcohol this early in the morning?"
"Aren't you in a chipper mood today."
"You look like a pedophile."
"Let me just remove all your items from the basket for you, I don't have a job to do or anything."
(When my till is open and I'm counting  money with no customers and someone approaches and asks, 'Are you coming or going?')
1. "Staying? Is that an option?"
2. "My light was"
3. "Am I allowed to leave? That would be nice."
"Thanks for telling me I looked bored while waiting for someone. I just abhor any free moments."
"Please don't come through my line. Please, please, please."
"You're really attractive. A ring? *sigh* Never mind."
"I could parent those children better than you."
"You're friggan nuts, dude."
"Don't roll your eyes at me, lady."
"I would love to undo the groceries I bagged in plastic because you forgot your bags until the end."
"Why isn't deodorant in your pile of groceries?"
"Do you REALLY need that extra box of twinkies?"
"Aren't you a bitter old lady."
"You have rotten children."
"Can I marry you?"
"Yes. My whole life revolves around you, so your wish is my command."
"How is this too heavy? There's a carton of strawberries in it. You should probably work out."
"Milk is heavier when it is bagged, sir. It won't be easier to carry up 3 flights of stairs."
"Aw, you finally get to go home after a long day at work? I'm closing at 11, so... no..."
"I'm not a stripper. Don't throw money at me."
"You should probably learn English."
"I look angry? Maybe it's because I have to deal with idiots like you every day."
"Is it necessary to review your receipt in my line so no one else can pay for their groceries?"
"Move. Move before I make you."
"You're a creepy old man, don't make me call the cops."

I think that's it.
The end.
Any Agreeance?